Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
