I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
did i walk over a car last night?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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