My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
