Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
