Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
