So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I need to stop coming to work sober
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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