I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
