Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
