The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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