3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
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it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
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My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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