It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
