you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
