You just made me feel so damn special
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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