I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
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You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
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Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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