Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
