Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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