Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
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This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
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My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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