You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
