Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
how do flat chested girls get laid?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
