Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Randomize
