bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
