Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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