omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
