11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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