Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
