weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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