He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
