just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
