I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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