you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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