She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
