I just cut my nipple shaving
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
