If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
