Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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