maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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