i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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