i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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