I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
