I didn't shave. On purpose
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
