please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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