i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I want her autograph on my taint
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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