3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
They took my balls.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I currently don't understand fingers.
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