I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
