so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
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I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
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Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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