Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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