Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
