I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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