The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
