I'm so fucking centered right now
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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