Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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