For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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