I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
