you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
