Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
