i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
