Jerry, you need to find god
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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