On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
